wanting to understand our selves and
wanting to understand others
is, I think the same
quite likely, I fit the bill of a codependent
but I find it strange that this is considered a disorder
if a codependent wants to base their life around another person,
how is that different from say, monogamous dedication?
in the past, it seems that so-called primitives in traditional communities
lived very differently, much more openly, probably ‘polyamorous’
(though I hate that word)
jealousy was likely low or non-existent
people took happiness in each other and with each other
in very different ways
they were able to be intimate with more than one person
the problem is that civilisation is a brutal construct
and I think monogamy is the response to that in some ways
the individual, under assault from so many different sources of suffering,
looks for somebody to be by their side
someone they can be near to and share their life with
who will be there for them, no matter what
(while it lasts…
sometimes things happen and one or both will no longer want
to be in that situation of always being there for each other…
there are all kinds of challenges and I don’t think it’s fair
to judge people when they separate:
‘they just didn’t work hard enough’
‘they’re just not the right match’
clearly some people are better match than others,
but ultimately I don’t know if I can really get my head around
the idea of a perfect match:
people who have almost no difficulties loving one another
and living happily ever after
that seems very implausible to me right now,
and I see very little empirical evidence for that.)
So I think that people are codependent with one another, unavoidably
I guess to the extent to which codependency is being identified as a disorder
is that the person doesn’t seem to have an identity for themselves outside that relationship
but is this necessarily a bad thing?
it’s different if a person has a calling, a creative passion, or a ‘career’
but you need to be not lost, I think, to have a calling
you need to have a very strong sense of belonging,
and a very strong sense of purpose,
to be able to carry out a calling
and most people have a ‘career path’ of some kind
and mine has been so broken
and never planned
what interests me, and what defines my adult life
is the way that I feel about my relationships with other people
friends, and in particular…companions, let’s call it that
companionship is what I crave more than anything else…having someone one can talk to, about anything, and be non-judgmental with, and receive love and affection back and have that person really care for you…
and share in moments of joy, assist in moments of difficulty, and mourn together in times of deep grief
THAT’S a companion
so… in the absence of a calling, a career or ‘having a family’,
the latter being something I’ve specifically chosen not to do,
what would a person focus their energies on,
if not the bonds they have with the people they want to connect with?
one might ask: why, as a ‘codependent’, do I want to connect with people
in that way?
well, with a companion it makes me feel incredibly good
to be there for someone else,
and to love them and make them feel loved
and this, I guess, is the final part of my confession:
I don’t think I’ve really felt, for very long at all
what it’s like to have that coming back in my direction,
to have my companion feel the way that I do
and where I’m giving them all the love that I can,
and I’m nurtured as well.
what is this?
a model of idealised love?
is it codependency?
is it really a disorder to think in these terms?