codependency or companionship

wanting to understand our selves and

wanting to understand others

is, I think the same

quite likely, I fit the bill of a codependent

but I find it strange that this is considered a disorder

if a codependent wants to base their life around another person,

how is that different from say, monogamous dedication?

in the past, it seems that so-called primitives in traditional communities

lived very differently, much more openly, probably ‘polyamorous’

(though I hate that word)

jealousy was likely low or non-existent

people took happiness in each other and with each other

in very different ways

they were able to be intimate with more than one person

the problem is that civilisation is a brutal construct

and I think monogamy is the response to that in some ways

the individual, under assault from so many different sources of suffering,

looks for somebody to be by their side

someone they can be near to and share their life with

who will be there for them, no matter what

(while it lasts…

sometimes things happen and one or both will no longer want

to be in that situation of always being there for each other…

there are all kinds of challenges and I don’t think it’s fair

to judge people when they separate:

‘they just didn’t work hard enough’


‘they’re just not the right match’

clearly some people are better match than others,

but ultimately I don’t know if I can really get my head around

the idea of a perfect match:

people who have almost no difficulties loving one another

and living happily ever after

that seems very implausible to me right now,

and I see very little empirical evidence for that.)

So I think that people are codependent with one another, unavoidably

I guess to the extent to which codependency is being identified as a disorder

is that the person doesn’t seem to have an identity for themselves outside that relationship

but is this necessarily a bad thing?

it’s different if a person has a calling, a creative passion, or a ‘career’

but you need to be not lost, I think, to have a calling

you need to have a very strong sense of belonging,

and a very strong sense of purpose,

to be able to carry out a calling

and most people have a ‘career path’ of some kind

and mine has been so broken

and never planned

what interests me, and what defines my adult life

is the way that I feel about my relationships with other people

friends, and in particular…companions, let’s call it that

companionship is what I crave more than anything else…having someone one can talk to, about anything, and be non-judgmental with, and receive love and affection back and have that person really care for you…

and share in moments of joy, assist in moments of difficulty, and mourn together in times of deep grief

THAT’S a companion

so… in the absence of a calling, a career or ‘having a family’,

the latter being something I’ve specifically chosen not to do,

what would a person focus their energies on,

if not the bonds they have with the people they want to connect with?

one might ask: why, as a ‘codependent’, do I want to connect with people

in that way?

well, with a companion it makes me feel incredibly good

to be there for someone else,

and to love them and make them feel loved

and this, I guess, is the final part of my confession:

I don’t think I’ve really felt, for very long at all

what it’s like to have that coming back in my direction,

to have my companion feel the way that I do

and where I’m giving them all the love that I can,

and I’m nurtured as well.

what is this?

a model of idealised love?

is it codependency?

is it really a disorder to think in these terms?